We’re Exactly Where We Need to Be

How our perceptions of being “behind” in life contribute to stress.

5/26/20265 min read

We’ve all been there. You’re nervous about final exams, anxious about an upcoming work deadline, upset by a conversation with a friend, fatigued going days on poor sleep, angry that you didn't get enough time to read that book or watch that movie you’ve looking forward to. You’re disappointed that you didn’t even have enough time to yourself to fully decompress. You’re annoyed with the traffic in your daily commute, you’re dreading an upcoming family holiday and hearing your parents’ opinions on your life’s choices. Often, people’s responses make the situation worse, not better.

Here are five unhelpful phrases people might say to you when you’re stressed:

  1. “It could be worse.”

You vent to a friend. “I can’t believe I was so dumb. Who trips down the stairs? Now I have to wear this ankle brace for weeks.”

“It could be worse,” your friend responds cheerfully. “I knew someone who broke his femur. He had to have surgery and couldn’t move his leg for three months, and that was before physical therapy.”

Does it make you feel better? Not likely. You’re still in pain. Moving around your apartment, your work, even going to classes becomes a burden. Who cares that someone had a longer recovery time? Rationally, you know your friend means well. But you feel like your friend’s response invalidates your emotions.

Comparing our situation to another’s rarely lowers our stress levels. It may create the opposite effect: comparisons might feel like they invalidate our feelings. Unfortunately, people tend to compare a situation to another that either has happened to someone else (“Other people’s health problems are worse than yours.”); is happening somewhere else (“Missing lunch isn’t so bad. Did you know there’s been a famine in Sudan?”); or (“It’s just a fender bender. You could have been in a serious accident.”)

We’re allowed to feel what we feel.

It’s important to recognize that not all individuals find comparisons irksome. Sometimes, comparisons might lighten the immediate problem.

Another exception becomes when we’ve faced a worse situation in our own lives. We can then relate to ourselves and our own personal experiences and feelings about a situation. We can recall - mentally, physically, and emotionally the time we overcame the challenge, faced the worst outcome, or even the one we were prepared for, but that never actually came. In this way, we are able to grow, learn, and even evolve from our own experiences.

  1. “Let it go.”

Wouldn’t all of us wish to let go of what we’re feeling? We want to be happy and unbothered by a situation. If it were only so easy. We can’t just let go of something that really bothers us and holds meaning, nor should we. It’s like placing a bandaid over a busted pipe that’s flooding your house. We have to work through the stress that we are experiencing and allow ourselves time to deal with it. That’s why when someone tells us to “Let it Go,” we become upset and hurt. It comes across as disrespectful and like others do not value our feelings. Allowing ourselves to feel what we feel and work through the emotions and stress, will ultimately benefit us in the long run. It will allow for healing and being able to appropriately handle stressful situations in the future.

  1. “Calm down” and “Relax.”

Who among us wouldn’t like to relax? We aren’t choosing to be anxious, angry, frustrated, or to feel any host of negative emotions. Our stress skyrockets. How would the other person feel if we told them to just “calm down” or “relax”? These phrases, again, are not helpful. We need support in these stressful moments that involves someone taking the time to sit down and talk with us about what we are going through.

  1. “Take a deep breath.”

Sometimes being reminded to practice deep breathing is helpful. We can reset our nervous system, on the fritz from stress, by slowing our breath. Unfortunately, often the person offering the advice isn’t thinking about this phrase from a biological perspective. It’s meant in a way equal to “calm down” and “relax.” That means for us, the directive comes across as unsympathetic. Tone and context are as important. If someone tells us in a calm, soft manner, we might be more inclined to listen. If the person is a doctor, we might also take this as medical advice. Otherwise, we’re less likely to try deep breathing and more likely to be triggered to even greater anger or frustration.

  1. “It is what it is.”

Obviously, of all the statements, this might seem the most dismissive. It also lacks substance. However, the person isn’t offering advice. They might feel like a response is required to show they’re listening to you. A generic response might allow them to provide you that reassurance even if they don’t know what else to say, what might help you. This likely has the opposite effect; you feel discouraged, not heard. Yet trying to see this from the other person’s perspective - coming from a place of good and not disinterest. It might not be possible when your stress remains unaddressed. In the long term, reframing your view of the other person’s response could bring peace.

We have these five phrases and how they make us feel. What can we do about it? It’s helpful to remember three things in these situations:

  1. People aren’t trained in what to do with someone under stress. Some communicate better than others. Trust the person has your best interests at heart but doesn’t know what to say. You can gently remind them that you were looking for someone to listen to you, and to thank them for being that person.

  2. The person might have heard these phrases from others. Without realizing it, they might be using the same phrases that might have been unhelpful in their situations and offering these forward.

  3. Everyone is dealing with something. The person you’re speaking with might be thinking of their own stressors. Wanting to be a good friend, family member, or colleague, they don’t want to add to your stress by sharing theirs.

Key Takeaway: We’re allowed to feel what we feel. Recognize the intention behind someone saying a seemingly unhelpful phrase. Everyone is just trying their best to figure out how to manage stress.

This Week’s Action: If you feel stressed and someone gives you a response like the above, focus on how you’re feeling when you hear it. Does your heart rate increase? Do you feel more tense? When you recognize your response, you can test how you can lower the stress. If someone needs to vent to you, see if you naturally offer a similar response. We can’t control what others tell us. We can help friends battling stress by lending a sympathetic ear.