How My Horse Taught Me Greater Control. It Wasn’t What I Thought.

How easing your grip gives you greater control.

5/26/20264 min read

Inside the oval arena, I breathe in the familiar scents of sandy ground overlain with horsehair and hay. I sit astride my mare, Carmen, fully relaxed. I hold her reins loosely in my hand, moving in my saddle to the rhythm of her trot. I trust Carmen at this gait. We’ve practiced the cadence for months. My body follows her unthinkingly, allowing me to focus on the peaceful sounds of horses whickering outside.

“Get ready to canter,” my instructor Ronnie called. He’s standing inside the ring, arms folded.

My serenity vanishes. Canter? My heart quickens in anticipation. That’s much faster. Cantering requires excellent balance and a calm head. I clench the reins in a white-knuckled grip. I hope Carmen doesn’t sense my anxiety. Like all horses, I’m certain she does.

“Canter,” Ronnie instructs.

I clap my heels into Carmen’s side. Carmen tosses her head, tugging the reins forward. She doesn’t pick up the gait as I had encouraged. Anxiety spurs me to pull back on the reins. Strangely to me, Carmen jerks her head harder. I’m going to fall. My back and arm muscles strain as I try to control a thousand-pound animal. I’m supposed to keep my head up, crucial to keeping my balance. In my panic, I drop my gaze to my hands. The harder I try, the more I’m our rhythm.

“Let out the reins.” Ronnie’s even tone doesn’t calm my nerves. “You’re holding them too tightly. She needs room to stretch her head. It’s all right, just let them out.”

Let them out?! Seems like a terrible idea. Still, Ronnie has fifteen years of equestrian competitions under his belt.

I push my hands forward, lengthening the reins. Carmen lowers her head. She propels us forward in a faster yet equally even clip. I sink easily into the saddle. We’re a balanced pair again. My heart beats excitedly as though Carmen’s hooves had dug my stress into the ground.

As I dismount at the end of the lesson, I ask Ronnie what changed.

“You relaxed,” Ronnie answers simply. “The more you tense up, the more you pull back. That will never work. You’re confusing her, since you’re asking her to canter with your legs but are restricting her head at the same time. She doesn’t know what you want. When you eased your grip, Carmen had the room to stretch out and pick up the canter. Then you stayed upright in the saddle. Instead of trying to force the situation, you worked with Carmen as a team. That’s why you rode more confidently again.”

Ease up on the reins. Don’t force the situation. Trust your partner. Build confidence.

One hour-long session, four life lessons.

What situation are you clutching onto? Do you feel physically and emotionally fatigued by the effort? Are you filled with self-doubt, anxiety, or uncertainty? Does your stress increase or decrease as you fight against your emotions?

When we’re stressed, we want as much control over our circumstances as possible; control over the situation and the people involved. We’re already vulnerable. We might feel helpless. We want to tighten our grip to say, “I’m in charge.” Forcing control gives us the illusion of power. We don’t trust what we can do in a situation; we fight to have authority over all of it.

Unpredictability and uncertainty create more stress. Instead of trusting in a positive outcome, we catastrophize the future: “If I don’t force this thing to happen, it’s going to be horrible.” Our minds anticipate the worst scenarios, whether they’re immediate or long-term (We’ll dive deeper into this idea of catastrophizing in a future post). It’s this combination of unpredictability, uncertainty, and fear that leads us to grasp control with all our energy. We exhaust ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Where can we benefit most from easing our grips? In the areas where we have the least control. Specifically, relationships. Think of a conflict you’ve had with a spouse, friend, roommate, or family member. What was the misunderstanding? When did you start feeling tense, anxious, or angry? Were you trying to convince them of your perspective? Were you annoyed that they didn’t answer your texts or calls? What did you do or say in the moment?

Let’s return to Carmen. When we worked in concert, the mare easily flowed into a rhythm that kept us balanced and connected. I gave her my trust, and she trusted me in kind. We have two distinct personalities. We learned over months of riding how the other feels and how to respond. When the situation changed, when the pace increased, I lost my confidence in us. I tried to control our relationship. Easing my grip allowed Carmen to do what she did best. The same principle applies to people (minus the reins, of course). We have needs; so do others. The more we try to command them to respond to us in a certain way, the more they strain against us. Have you ever texted someone, hoping they’ll return the texts, and become increasingly anxious when the screen remained blank? Did you text again and again? How did they respond when you spoke next?

As with any lesson, learning to give your partner space takes practice. It might trigger more angst at first. (“This feels awful. I have to send another text.”) You might believe that no, with enough effort, I can change this person’s mindset. If this approach didn’t work before, see what happens when you divert your energy to something else in your day. You will gain greater self-control and confidence.

Key Takeaway: When we feel unsteady in a situation or relationship, anxiety takes hold. We put in more effort, believing control will reduce our stress. The opposite happens: we increase stress as we tighten our grip. We grow frustrated, angry, and anxious. Ease up on the reins. By giving a situation or person space, we regain our footing. Let your power grow from self-trust.

This Week’s Action: Think about a situation you’re dreading, something causing your anxiety to spiral. Close your eyes. Imagine what you can do to release some control—mentally, emotionally, or physically. Imagine using your energy to do things you enjoy and take control of (like organizing, designing, or getting lost in a good story), not ruminating over the situation. What do you feel in your body? Do your shoulders relax? Does the tightness in your chest lessen? Now take one step to create space between your feelings and the situation. It can be as simple as resisting the urge to send that impulsive text or to write the angry email. Keep practicing. Notice what happens with your stress as a result.